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faintof__hearts
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Name: Jessica
Location: United States
Gender: Female
Interests: music, copeland, mae, fall out boy, matchbook romance, taking back sunday, the cure, the postal service, coheed and cambria, death cab for cutie, jamisonparker, cute is what we aim for, underoath, anberlin
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/28/2004
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| So college is officially over and I'm lost in limbo. I still don't know what I want to do or where I want to go. I feel like every job I look at I'm completely unqualified for and I'm not sure why. I have two degrees. Why aren't I qualified for anything? Why does everything I want to do pay absolutely nothing? Why is it that two weeks after graduation I feel like my life is going nowhere fast? I need to start doing things. I need to apply more. I need to find organizations or volunteer opportunities. I want to work with the guardian ad litem program. There are so many things I want to do, but I feel as if I keep getting sucked into this empty abyss and lose all motivation to do anything. I want to do these things for myself and for also, but also because I think it will help my resume. At the same time though I think it's all just a big waste of time. And what if I can't do anything? What if everything I want to do turns out to be something I can't handle? It's scary to think about. Here I am graduated with a shitty job, a girlfriend and no prospect of a future. I'm having a mini life crisis here. I feel as though I have no hope, no direction and no help. I also feel as though I've missed out on so much with school or that I'm going to miss out on so much. I want to be back. Classes started up again the other day and it feels so weird still being here and not being in classes. On my days off I have nothing to do other than apply for jobs and clean. What is that? I want more. I don't want to feel empty and useless and abandoned. I want to think that I have support and a future. I'm about to spiral out of control with boredom.
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| Michael Jackson died thursday. It was so weird. I saw some kids status on facebook that said wtf Michael Jackson died or something along those lines so I was like are you kidding me? I was all over the internet trying to find out where he heard it and then i put on the news. At the time everyone was reporting that he had been rushed to the hospital but none of the media outlets were reporting he had passed except for TMZ a media gossip site along with perezhilton. it was all over the news though and i literally sat there and watched as everyone frantically tried to figure otu what was going on. the LA Times finally reported that he had passed and all you could hear were people in the studio shouting at each other what the times was reporting. then the various media outlets began to confirm reports. Michael Jackson had died at 50. they were showing the UCLA medical center where he was and people from all over the place were pouring into this big crowd outside. it was crazy. i mean i literallty sat there and watched as everyone learned of michael jackson's death. i mean everyone knew this day would come but it literally came out of nowhere because there wasn't anything going on to publicly to allude to his death. everyone knew the guy had problems but still. so now it's just kind of weird. internationally people are being affected by this and i think that's what gets me the most. i mean despite the personal and legal issues, people loved the man and his music. generations grew up listening to him and falling in love with his music. for me i was just sitting there taking it all in and thinking that this is going to be a big day in history. people talk about death of elvis and the death of kurt cobain. this is just the next death of a major icon in the music world to pass although i believe he is the biggest international icon. the man holds records that will probably never be broken partially due to technology and the drop in record sales as a whole. digital media is taking over. it's just so weird to think about. i mean this is something people will ask you one day. oh where were you when you heard michael jackson died. i feel like i didn't just hear that he died. i almost feel like i watched him die. obviously not literally because i wasn't there, but i watched as the world learned detail after detail. as we all took it in together. i think watching all of the news anchors raw reations really said it all. i think everyone was just sort of shocked and in disbelief. the following day you couldn't put the radio on without hearing his music. for an entire day it was nonstop michael. what other artist has that been done for? it wasn't just r&b stations or classic stations or pop stations. it was every station paying respect to the man that did it all. although he may be dead, it's clear that michael jackson will never truly die. kids are going to still grow up listening to his music and everyone will always remember him.
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| things have been so rough lately. she's always depressed. never happy with what she has and is always wanting more. i just have this permanent feeling that i'm not enough for her. she's just completely unsatisfied with her life at the moment. a life that i happen to be a part of. it's so easy for me to feel that she's unsatisfied with me. she's always talking about wanting to do more. wanting to go out more. wanting to see other people and not spend so much time together. i understand where she's coming from because i want to hang out with friends too, but i don't make it seem like i don't enjoy the time i spend with her. i just constantly feel like she doesn't enjoy spedning time with me and if she does that she just doesn't appreciate it the way i do. things just kind of suck lately. i try to be happy and make her happy but nothing works. i can't make her happy. i can't be a factor of her happiness and that's hard to handle. i think i'm getting sick of feeling this way and sick of her not being happy with everything. i understand depression isn't something a person can control really. at the same time though, i don't think she realizes how much it affects the people around her. i went through a serious depression in high school. to the point that i don't want to have to think abut it ever again. i mean i was miserable and nearing the point of just not wanting to be here anymore. i mean i kind of always felt that way, but i was slowly dragging myself to a place where i could have done potential damage. everything was a potential escape for me. every drive could be the end. every rooftop or weapon or anything really. all i thought about were ways to end it. i started carving crazy shit into my arm. i cried every night. i never left my room, resulting in a lot of weight gain. i just wasn't a happy individual. i wasn't happy with myself, with the people around me or anything for that matter. so i do somewhat understand where she's coming from. at the same time though, i dealt with my depression and combatted it without the assistance of medication. like it is possible to get through it without artifical shit in your system. she'll never get better if she starts taking stuff. which is why i'm glad she isn't. i mean depression won't stop until you face it head on and beat it. pills only subside it's effects and put it off until comes back. it's not somethign that can go away with drugs. anyway i'm so off point this is kind of funny. the point of this was supposed to be how her and i haven't been getting along and the reasons why. the reasons why i think at least. we've just been fighting a lot and we both hate it. everything turns into a fight. the other night we finally called each other out on it and i think we're both making an effort to change things. i'm definitely doing what i can to stop it. i was starting to feel myself detach. i was getting to the point where i just didn't care. my feelings were gone. and not just for her, but for everything. i still love her and all, but i just wasn't caring. the past couple of days though have been good. we're tyring. we can work. we do work. rough patches are going to come our way and we have to be willing to deal with it and have the strength to get through it. so many people reach a point where they just quit and hopefully we never do. in the face of all that i just kind of realized that i can't be without her. i mean i guess i could but i don't want to be. i don't want to have to one day wake up and not have her next to me. i couldn't take it. i think it were to happen, and especially anytime soon, i would just lose it. every direction in my life would be gone and i wouldn't know what to do with myself. i'm so scared of that. so much of what i want revolves around her. there are things i want for both of us and then there are things i want for myself but because of her. i think about career paths and why they'd be good. reasons like whether i could support her and give her a good life with me. i could take her to the places she wants to go and give her the things she wants (within reason of course). i don't want us to always live paycheck to paycheck. i want to take care of her. i want us to provide for each other. emotionally, physically, monetarily. all around. i think we do that for each other. we already do but we can build on what we already have established. there's so much more both of us out there and i want to share it all with her. i just hope we make it to that. hopefully we have the will and strength to stick everything out. i love waking up to her. i love going to sleep with her next to me. i love the feel of her against me. it's perfect and i don't want anything to happen to that. i think i need to get back in touch with all of my feelings. i've stepped away from my feelings to try and focus on hers. to make her better and that has been wrong all along. i have to continue to feel for myself and allow that to i guess inspire her? i don't know.
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| there are so many people i find myself wanting to be. i'm not even really sure that i want to be them. i think i just want to look like them or have people think i'm them. does that make any sense? i've always tried to pull of certain persona's. one of my favorites was when i would sit in the back of the class, ipod always on, and hoodie always up. i was one of the first people out the door. i wanted people to think i was a slacker. i wonder if it was more for the professor. if i looked like a slacker, they wouldn't expect much so that when i did well, they'd be surprised? no because i'm sure they've seen that so many times before. then maybe it just made me feel better that some people wouldn't have expectations of me becuase of the way i came off? i don't know. i was just thinking. often times when i smoked i wanted to dress like a certain way sometimes, with the ripped jeans and everything. i wanted people to think i didn't care. i'm not sure in what sense i wasn't caring about but it was something. but i wanted to pull something off. i even went through the whole band shirts only phase because i wanted that to make a statement. i wanted people to look at me and think of me as one of those concert going, different cultured, interesting individual. maybe it was because a lot of the kids that were like me were kind of outcasts. at least when it comes to the music we were listening to. i caught on to the scene a few years before it went mainstream and it was great. i wanted people to know that i was a part of that. i wanted them to see that i wasn't into the same things they were, that i was different. i'm thinking maybe i just always want to outcast myself from the general population. i wanted to do what wasn't popular. what wasn't the socially correct thing to do. i don't know. i've just always wanted to be different. i wanted people to know that i wasn't like them. that their materialistic ideals weren't mine. i didn't want the same experiences everyone else had. and i know lots of people had them, but i wanted to be in the minority instead of the majority. i want one of those great, less experienced experiences. i'm still trying to figure that one out now. i'm at a point where i don't know what to do. i don't know what the different path is yet. what comes after college? it's coming quick and i'm finding out faster than i know it.
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| this is a tough one. it really is, but there could be another one coming. whether it be with her or someone else. i wonder what this is all about. i wonder what's going to happen. on a good note, i think i found the formula. the key to it all. i'm happy about it. it's a good thing. we'll see what happens.
she just has to come home and everything will be ok. if she comes home there's hope.
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